The Douchebaggery of Graduate School: How It Happened to Me

It's beginning to look a lot like fall here, don't you think?

A little over a week ago, I was embarrassed for the first time in grad school (and that's a hard thing to do because I practically have no shame). A classmate and I were goofing off and writing notes because the class is pretty much pointless anyway, as the general consensus of the class agrees. The professor suddenly says:

 "Any thoughts from the back corner?"

"Oh, I've got lots of thoughts. They're all just... floating around in my head." 

I realized then that no one was laughing and the professor proceeded to ask us to read our notes aloud to the class. (There wouldn't have been much to read, unless you count a game of Hangman as literature). Somehow we were able to recover, but felt like total douche bags, and eventually apologized.

After crying in the car for 45 minutes, I sent the professor an email that said: We all have our moments of stupidity and I guess this was just one of mine. More importantly, I don't want you to think I'm a jerk...

I felt really immature and ridiculous for awhile. In my undergraduate courses, if I made a serious comment, no one in the class would know how simply hilarious I am in real life and thus think of me as a yuppy idiot. In a class filled with my friends and coworkers, I felt like I could get away with a joke and was immune to punishment or shame. I was wrong. 

My writing center adviser thinks I'm too hard on myself. So I'm trying not to be. I realize how much he values my contributions to the writing center, class, and believes that I'm not only humorous but serious. They always say "there's a time and a place for everything" and I guess that's true to some extent. But what exactly is expected of us in graduate school? Is it just supposed that we know our shit and thus we are just there to circulate and expand on our ideas? Or are we still like undergrads, vying for a chance to prove ourselves worthy? I feel somewhat trapped in-between.

Meagan, Brit, and Daniel

Katelyn and Scott

It may not come as a surprise, but my writing center cohort and I went out to eat. Again. This time to a restaurant I've been dying to try for some time--Dakshin, an Indian place on Bardstown Road, with a menu separating the dishes by regions. (I prefer the North!). It's almost as if the writing center director hand-selected my best friends for me. I don't think I could've found this many great people all at once in my life. 

Meagan is a staunch feminist who will randomly drop curse words in a deep voice, to the dismay of those who normally expect her sweet, country twang. We both adore Modcloth and OutofPrint! She reminds me so much of my best friend, Kelsey.

Brit is an absolutely brilliant author of not one, but TWO books. She's basically an expert in gender/queer theories and I imagine one day her face and name will be recognizable to the household name. Her bluntness is refreshing and hilarious.

Daniel, as Brit put it, is kind of a mirror image of myself. We have similar tastes and senses of humor. We also just don't care what we say or when we say it.

Katelyn kind of helps me to stay on top of my shit. She'll be worried about certain assignments and it reminds me that I should maybe start my own work... she's also helped me be more at ease with some of my writing center clients because of the descriptions she's given me beforehand.

And Scott... well, all I can really say is that he's really cute once he's been drinking. Our interests are bizarrely in sync and I could talk to him for days without tiring.  

Hoping to see The Perks of Being a Wallflower with Julie, go to a haunted corn maze and/or house with the writing center, and um, finish the paper I've been trying to write for four hours. It's due tomorrow.

An Art Museum Soliloquy & Greek Eats

Last Sunday, the Speed Art Museum finally closed its doors for a three-year renovation. It was really bittersweet to see the place cleaned out and ready for dis-assemblage. 

One of my first memories of the Speed is from fall 2009, when I went with my creative writing class to create an ekphrastic poem. I sat on a bench staring at a large, splattered canvas entitled "Potentially Pat's Living Room." I could see the clouds through the slits of window panes at the top of the building, sun illuminating their shapes, making them almost appear cartoon-ish. I could hear the trickle of a fountain, the smell of oil on canvas, and I was swelling with endorphines. 

I went back for an art history project and spent my day walking around and observing the museum in its entirety. I found a piece on the second floor that I was particularly drawn to, featuring a winding country road alongside a hearty tree, as the sun set in fall. The colors were vividly autumnal and the movement in the brushstrokes made me feel the whistle of the wind on my skin. 

Another class project called for me to find a piece of art from any medium and compare it to another art form of a different medium and explain its implications. Part of the Native American collection had been moved to the spotlight section and I felt myself peculiarly drawn to the ornate pipes and pipe bowls. The pipe bowls reminded me of Ziggurats, semi-pyramidal religious constructions of ancient Mesopotamia. Worshippers would bring sculptures of gods for a priest to place inside; the larger the sculpture, the more favor the god would have on the family. The pipe bowls were also used in religious ceremonies when tribe elders would summon their ancestors. The ornateness of the pipes and bowls would depend on the 'commitment' of the tribe to the god and could also recommend to anthropologists the wealthiness of a given region. 

Aside from various school projects, I visited the Speed many times with others. One time I particularly remember was last winter when the Speed hosted an Impressionist/Post-Impressionist exhibition. The gallery was filled with Renoir, Chagall, Monet, Manet, Degas... I felt like I was back in London, surrounded by so much timeless history. I ended up losing one of my favorite magenta leather gloves. Figuring it would be gone but hoping for the best, I called the museum the next day and someone had turned in my glove! I should've known that the Speed would host compassionate beings. 

I feel deeply saddened by the fact that I won't get to see any exhibits or stop in on a stressful day to just look at a Picasso, Monet, or Cassat. I can't just walk into the medieval wooden room or the tapestry room, alight with stained glass windows to the ceiling. The majesty will be gone for awhile.

~ ~ ~

Scott, Amy, and Michelle

Sam and Meagan

 On a brighter note, I had a lovely evening with my writing center cohort last night. We went downtown for Mediterranean food at Yafa. Honestly, if you're in the Louisville-area, this is probably the best Greek food you're going to find.

We all played "Never Have I Ever" and enjoyed our various dishes. I ended up getting a gyro plate with pita and walnut baklava for dessert. Afterward, we went to Sam's townhouse and I basically became super jealous because his house is so gorgeous and he has the best taste. He told me he'd help me decorate when I finally get my own place--I'm going to hold him to it!

Earlier in the day, Meagan and I laughed at pictures of cats with bad grammar and hunted for Modcloth discount codes on Pinterest--We ended up finding the largest one for 20%! Needless to say, we were ready to order from our favorite online clothing site again.

Life is pretty hectic. But I'm really trying to take it a day at a time. I'm surrounded by so many great people and I feel like I couldn't be any luckier.

Quoth the Raven

{dress: target/belt: forever 21/ridiculous boots not included}

I don't know if this picture says it enough, but I had a pretty good start to my weekend. My parents took me to Shalimar to partake in some yummy Indian cuisine. We ended up stopping into the Shoe Carnival where I found these ridiculous boots that beckoned I try them on. 

We also stopped in at The Dollar Tree where I found a Poe-esque black crow, a plastic skull that I admittedly grasped in my out-raised hand, saying, "Do be or not to be...," and some other ridiculous Halloween decorations like "butcher's organs" which look like slabs of meat, except they are plastic organs covered in fake blood. Leave it to The Dollar Tree to keep things classy. 

Later that night I met (most of) my writing center buddies at Howl at the Moon on 4th Street. I spent a bit of time at Amy and Ben's charming old house before we took off for the night. We all had a few drinks, some free food, played cornhole, talked and laughed. This was the first time we've all met outside of school in a social setting. If only the night had lasted longer...

Aside from that, I'm just laboring through some interesting (albeit repetitive and therefore highly avoidable) articles for my film class Monday, getting excited to watch Dr. Who in less than an hour, and awaiting some of the things I ordered online as a treat to myself for my birthday. Oh Modcloth, how I love thee. 

Scott (the young man in plaid in front) and I will be celebrating our birthdays next weekend! His is the 14th and mine the 15th. Here's to approaching getting another year older...

Until then, enjoy your weekend and don't work too hard!

Moonrise Kingdom

So, last Saturday Scott and I went to the Forecastle Festival on the waterfront of Downtown Louisville. Despite my germaphobia, we had a really good time. Well, except for that one time we had to use the porta-potty in the dark. *Shudders.*

Beforehand, we had lunch at the new vegetarian restaurant near campus. The veggie fried rice and spring rolls were delicious!

I'm kind of a clean-cut goody two-shoes (or I try to be) but there's a side of me that's full of bohemian splendor. There were so many different walks of life at Forecastle, coming together to celebrate the things we all have in common: the necessity to feel rhythm, to feel like we are a part of something larger. It was like a mini-Woodstock except there were exceptionally less naked people. 

The last few days have been a whirlwind. It's amazing sometimes how love can pick up where it left off and somehow feel new and better. And you fit together like puzzle pieces. The heart is a curious organ but it always leads you home. 

Credit 

Scott and I went to McAlister's yesterday before we went to see Moonrise Kingdom. It was so good! I really loved Sam and Suzy. It was such a bizarre story and the setting felt like it took me somewhere my imagination could never lead me, which in my opinion is a sign of a really good novel or film. Makes me want to catch up on some of Wes Anderson's older films!

We also decided to start a little book club because of all the new movies coming out that look really good! I remember reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower in high school but I was somehow convinced that it was over-hyped. But seeing the movie trailer with Emma Watson makes me really curious because I kind of like her a LOT. She's the face of Burberry for crying out loud. Scott has wanted me to read The Hobbit forever because it's his favorite book and the movie is coming out. Seems like no better time than now! 

Oh and the henna. If you can't find henna at Forecastle, then you just suck it up, go to Barnes & Noble, and buy yourself a kit. Boom. 

(Can't wait to rock an ankle and wrist tattoo).

Good Day for Earl Grey

Today was unseasonably cold, so I knew Home Depot would stick me out in the garden department. But Scott brought me a warm cup of Earl Grey and my woes disappeared! He waited for me to get out for an hour so he could show me his "surprise."

Turns out it was a sweet pink tennis racket since I've been talking about how much I've been wanting to play tennis! So we went to Tom Sawyer Park and played for awhile even though I was rocking cowboy boots. 

The moral of the story is, ladies, thank your boyfriends for surprises. 

Well, the good ones, anyway. Don't thank them if they surprise slap you with a salmon or something.

Just Like Rory

At 10AM, May 12, 2012 the KFC Yum! Center hosted the graduation for the class of 2012.

Sometimes I expect graduation to be like one of those poignant moments when a class speaker says something that strikes your heart so fiercely that you carry it with you for a lifetime; or you say goodbye to people who have shaped you; or maybe you are bestowed some sort of honor that changes your life forever. In some respect, all of this is true. But I guess it didn't take a university commencement for me to realize my poignant moments. The times respected professors have pulled for my success, written me letters of recommendation, called me their "protege," and complimented my ideas are the moments I see a future shining ahead. 

When I walked across the stage, I stuck my tongue out at the audience a la Rory in Gilmore Girls. My friend Sarah sent me a text saying, "I saw you pull a Rory as you walked across the stage." I responded with, "I felt the need to pay homage to my fictional inspiration." And she responded, "You paid it well."

Except I probably looked more like this...

Well, we can't all be perfect, now can we.

In all seriousness, you never know how you're going to turn out after college. It really changes you and hopefully for the better. I think about the sharing of poetry and music my freshman year, learning to deal with a broken heart and trusting my instincts, to keep pushing no matter how bad things got, giving my opinion even when I know it's unpopular, learning not to take myself or my professors too seriously (especially if they wear bow ties and argyle socks), and giving back to humanity in any way possible. 

The university certainly doesn't seem so big and scary anymore. Seeing people in their Master's hoods and being hooded for Ph.Ds gave my heart a sense of longing. I don't want to give this dream up. I saw their success and I knew how unfulfilled I would feel if it were something I didn't try. 

So, at least for the time being, I've signed onto another two-year journey and will hopefully reap the benefits it will bestow. I can only get out of it what I put in, so I want to go above and beyond the call of duty and be happy doing it. 

Cheers, Yum! Center. See you in 2014.

Around Campus

This Friday was the University Honors Convocation, so in addition to picking up my honors medal, cords, cap, and gown, I utilized the opportunity for a photo shoot! If you ever go to UofL, get in the honors program so you can work with Luke Buckman (above)! He won't steer you wrong.

Yeah, that's right. We've got the first and only cast-sculpture of Rodin's The Thinker, which can originally be found in Paris. The sculpture was first on display at the 1904 St. Louis World Fair. The University of Louisville decided to purchase the Thinker cast and built their campus on swampland instead of purchasing the more expensive land where Bellarmine University sits. 

I feel sort of like Rory when she gives that tour to a prospective student and she points out all the historical facts but all the girl wants to know about is partying and boys. 

5.10 But Not as Cute as Pushkin

So that sculpture in the first picture is in front of the library. It makes me cold every time I walk by it in the wintertime. Apparently, it was once naked but some prude students threw a fit and the university had a swimsuit painted on it. Not sure if that's true or not. Also, the picture of Suzette A. Henke is my idol and I'll be working for her next year as the Morton Chair assistant! My mom said one day I'd have my face on a banner like that. I can only dream.

This is where the magic happens.

I'll Have Another

On the Thursday before graduation, UofL had a Graduate Day at the Downs to celebrate the class of 2012. We were supposed to get in free and get $5 Derby Dollars. Well, they closed the website down early and I couldn't register. So needless to say, I had to pay to get in and had to bet all my own money. It was still worth it though. I tried to wear a sassy Southern lady hat but the wind was sort of against that idea.

Scott and I bet on three races and lost all of them. There's a reason I don't put faith in numbers.

Here's Scott before we left defeated.

Oh well, it was nice to finally go inside Churchill Downs, after having driven by it nearly every day for four years. Sometimes you've just gotta keep Louisville sassy in your Derby hat.