This week has been filled with so many contradictions.
I've been having that can't eat-can't sleep, reach for the stars over the fence-World Series kind of feeling lately. In fact, I sent a frantic 5AM message to Julie which I feel too endearing of my recent past self not to include:
And I just find my body language to be surprisingly forward and it catches me off guard and I try to correct it. And I always try to stand next to him and talk to him and I see people watching and I know they realize that I only light up like that when I'm talking to him. And I can't help the nervousness! It's like being in the middle of speech in front of people you're trying to impress--too late to turn back, so you might as well keep going.
But then this feeling of inadequacy creeps in. I have taken 4 French exams thus far and have gotten A's on every single one of them. I know this language (well, the 121 version of this language, anyway) but for some reason my class grade remains at a B+ despite my constant participation. Part of the problem is that my teacher probably forgot to take my attendance for two days because I have a couple 0/10's. I talked to her about it. This is how it went down:
"Oh a couple zeros won't hurt you!"
"Yes, I understand, but I've never missed a class..."
"Well, I can't give you participation points if you weren't here."
(I walk away, dumbfounded)
So, in an attempt to gain extra credit, I'm going to do my darndest to attend 5 French films and write about them. Just what I have time for, right?
And to top things off, my Medicine, Madness, and Lit professor returned our 8 page case studies today with a disclaimer:
"These grades are lower than what you expected. There are C's."
In an honors seminar, no one wants to hear this. Especially since this paper is half of our final grade. I got a B+/B but I somehow feel dissatisfied. I have never gotten a C or lower on a paper but I kind of expected... oh I don't know, perfection. I just feel like my writing is completely transparent and she can see that I don't belong in this advanced of a setting. I should just stay in regular classes and write mediocre papers that teachers gloss over and give me an A because I "pretty much got the point."
Okay, sorry. Annoying honors complaining over now.
The cool weather has finally settled in. It's warm enough that I can omit gloves but I'm still wearing multiple layers. At least I'm getting smarter about that. I used to think you could wear one sweater in the winter and be warm. Then I would become puzzled as to why I was not. It's a wonder I do as well in school as I do.
I'm just bubbling. mumbling. stumbling.
"I've been this way with so many before, but this feels like the first time..." -Paperweight, Joshua Radin + Shuyler Fisk
I'm exhilarated by the prospect of something new. Something I might actually try to trust this time. And I've got flannel sheets. Life is always better when you've got flannel sheets.