Sunday, March 20, 2011

Hidden Place

Song of the day is definitely "Hidden Place" by Bjork. I feel a bit more relaxed at the prospect of school in a few short hours.

Guess I should get back to that homework, huh?

P.S. If I had to read 20 more pages of theory from Jacques Derrida I would fill my coat with rocks and drown myself in a river.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Spring Break

Blog posts are always more fun when they have pictures.
On our four month anniversary, Friday, Scott and I went fishing.
We didn't catch anything but umbrellas.
But the scenery was lovely and more importantly, we got to spend time together.
Julie and I had a girl's day Monday. Food, shopping, and the general goofiness involved with photo-taking. 

I watched a few old episodes of Ghost Whisperer today. It's usually a tradition to watch the first three seasons during the summer but I'd missed JLH. She's boss.

"I've Seen All Good People" by YES was my pick for song of the day. It just makes me so happy and reflective. It makes me want to go somewhere I've never been before and write it all down so I never forget. And it kind of reminds me of Almost Famous which always makes me insanely happy.

I washed off a few pairs of muddy shoes and it reminded me of all the places I'd been in them. And all the places I intend to go. All the shoes I prepare to mess up.

I had a big batch of papers I needed to shred. So I did that today.

Sometimes you need a day to perform arbitrary tasks because it clears your mind. I now intend to start the homework I've put off the entire week. But I'm reeeaaallly trying not to stress over it too much.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Can't Help But Smile

Feeling blue, even though the weather was like 75 degrees outside, I stayed in my pajamas all day and pulled the covers over my head. I watched Almost Famous which always makes me feel better. The scene where everyone on the bus just starts singing "Tiny Dancer" can't help but bring a smile to my face. A love for music. Words. People. And the fact that everyone ends up somewhere but it's more than that. It's getting there. It's saying 'fuck airplanes, we're taking the bus.' It's about the people you know only for a little while but who you will never forget.

So, I turned on some Elton John and did something else I knew would make me feel better. I cleaned my room. Not just, putting things where they go and vacuuming. I have trash bags of things to get rid of. It's like you don't even realize how much your things suffocate you until you battle it with the sword of cleanliness. It was my way of dealing with a sadness that doesn't stem from anything. Just general apathy towards life and the future. A task I've just begun to tackle.
I feel like I can breathe again. It reminded me of one of my friend Julia's favorite quotes: 


I also watched Bones. I'm pretty sure I really like this show. The next episode features a dead body farm. Which sounds awesome to me. Emily Deschanel makes me smile. And it can't hurt that her sister is Zooey Deschanel, another girl that I can't help but wish I could be.

Yeah, she rocks.

I have to go to work soon but I'm oddly at ease with the world. If I have to go to work, at least I get to see someone I love, someone who loves me back, someone I can hug and kiss in the parking lot even though there are peculiar men in trucks watching.

Today is Day One in my Happiness Project.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

One Year

Lately this has been me.

It's been such a long time since I've confided to my blog--a thing that once brought me so much joy. I wanted to come here today in honor of My English Life's one-year anniversary (as of yesterday!) and talk about how much life has changed in that time. And also, it's been awhile since I've been honest--with others, with myself. Now that I've confided in the people I feel closest to, I feel like I can confide here now. Here goes.

People tend to focus on the negative 10% of their life instead of the big picture. I've always been a positive person. I find joy in everyday life. If I get to read for pleasure, it makes my day. If I get to watch a movie I love, I'm instantly happier. If I go out to lunch with my boyfriend or friends, I feel whole. Lately, I've been letting negativity get in the way of being able to fully enjoy all of the things I once loved.

I've felt overwhelmed, stressed, anxious. 

Everyone has responsibilities. Work. School. Family. And they all seem to handle it just fine. I usually do too. Lately, my mind has been reeling and I can't shut it off. I feel like I should always be doing something productive but I lack the time, the will power, the strength. I used to have so much time. I wouldn't have to worry about graduation. The GRE. A thesis. Scholarships. Tuition. Graduate school. Life. At least for while. And by that time, I'd be fully prepared to handle it.

Now that the time is here I feel utterly lost. I don't feel like I've moved forward at all. It's like I've been standing still. I know generally where I want to go but it's all about getting there.

It's spring break and I can't take my mind off the little stressors. The things that I really can't even control right now. It's so frustrating that I don't even know where to start. 

So, I've tried to take on damage control. This semester's all but ravaged me. I'm worried about the outcome. I took classes that start way too early to coincide with my third shift job and I can barely find time to rest, let alone spend time with those I care about. 

But I'm actively seeking solutions. I feel like the more I talk about this and the more I write about it, the more I grow to accept it and move on from it instead of bottling it up. 

So what's happened in a year?
Probably more than I can share with you all here.
  • I turned 21 and thus attained legal status to purchase alcoholic beverages. 
  • I've taken at least one class with my best friend Julie every semester. And it's always been my favorite class.
  • I applied (and was accepted!) to study abroad in London this May.
  • In less than two weeks, I will be visiting Waverly Hills Sanitorium--facing fears and such.
  • Was 'promoted' at work to an earlier start time, thus making life at least a little bit more awesome.
  • After said promotion, I met a boy, whom I fell wildly and madly in love with. And this Friday, we will have been together for four months. We kicked off spring break with Japanese Hibachi chicken and sushi followed by a rousing game of LazerBlaze. Love you, Jester.
  • Felt mad love from Wisconsin and hoped that Kentucky love was equally felt. <3
There's plenty more but you all have lives that need to be lived. Go hug somebody! Go for a jog! Eat an exotic meal! Dance around like no one's watching! Keep love in your hearts.