Tuesday, March 15, 2011

One Year

Lately this has been me.

It's been such a long time since I've confided to my blog--a thing that once brought me so much joy. I wanted to come here today in honor of My English Life's one-year anniversary (as of yesterday!) and talk about how much life has changed in that time. And also, it's been awhile since I've been honest--with others, with myself. Now that I've confided in the people I feel closest to, I feel like I can confide here now. Here goes.

People tend to focus on the negative 10% of their life instead of the big picture. I've always been a positive person. I find joy in everyday life. If I get to read for pleasure, it makes my day. If I get to watch a movie I love, I'm instantly happier. If I go out to lunch with my boyfriend or friends, I feel whole. Lately, I've been letting negativity get in the way of being able to fully enjoy all of the things I once loved.

I've felt overwhelmed, stressed, anxious. 

Everyone has responsibilities. Work. School. Family. And they all seem to handle it just fine. I usually do too. Lately, my mind has been reeling and I can't shut it off. I feel like I should always be doing something productive but I lack the time, the will power, the strength. I used to have so much time. I wouldn't have to worry about graduation. The GRE. A thesis. Scholarships. Tuition. Graduate school. Life. At least for while. And by that time, I'd be fully prepared to handle it.

Now that the time is here I feel utterly lost. I don't feel like I've moved forward at all. It's like I've been standing still. I know generally where I want to go but it's all about getting there.

It's spring break and I can't take my mind off the little stressors. The things that I really can't even control right now. It's so frustrating that I don't even know where to start. 

So, I've tried to take on damage control. This semester's all but ravaged me. I'm worried about the outcome. I took classes that start way too early to coincide with my third shift job and I can barely find time to rest, let alone spend time with those I care about. 

But I'm actively seeking solutions. I feel like the more I talk about this and the more I write about it, the more I grow to accept it and move on from it instead of bottling it up. 

So what's happened in a year?
Probably more than I can share with you all here.
  • I turned 21 and thus attained legal status to purchase alcoholic beverages. 
  • I've taken at least one class with my best friend Julie every semester. And it's always been my favorite class.
  • I applied (and was accepted!) to study abroad in London this May.
  • In less than two weeks, I will be visiting Waverly Hills Sanitorium--facing fears and such.
  • Was 'promoted' at work to an earlier start time, thus making life at least a little bit more awesome.
  • After said promotion, I met a boy, whom I fell wildly and madly in love with. And this Friday, we will have been together for four months. We kicked off spring break with Japanese Hibachi chicken and sushi followed by a rousing game of LazerBlaze. Love you, Jester.
  • Felt mad love from Wisconsin and hoped that Kentucky love was equally felt. <3
There's plenty more but you all have lives that need to be lived. Go hug somebody! Go for a jog! Eat an exotic meal! Dance around like no one's watching! Keep love in your hearts.