Thursday, January 27, 2011

How to claim la vie boheme

You should probably start out by listening to every Simon & Garfunkel album you can get your hands on. Chicks like sensitive guys. Keep to yourself. When you’re quiet, it makes everything you say a little bit more important than those people that talk all the time. When you suddenly break the silence by saying, “Life is like one big garden. We always reap what we sow, you know?” someone will almost always respond by saying, “That’s real heavy, man.”
    Another excellent idea is to purchase tight male jeans. Or if you have the physique for it, women’s jeans. Wear plaid shirts that you find in someone’s hamper and when they ask about it, say that you live in the moment. You don’t have time to be restricted by societal “norms.” Especially if it requires you to do laundry.
    Go to every poetry reading your city offers. It’s usually free, which works out since you don’t have a job. You can chat up hipster chicks and bash them all to your male friends. “I need a girl who wants me for my mind, you know, man.” They’ll all shake their heads in agreement. Buy yourself a soy latte. You’ve earned it. Put on your aviator sunglasses and go for a walk in the park even though it’s dark. Sun don’t set on a badass.
    While you’re in the park, marvel at the homeless guy who has constructed a cardboard pueblo. Nod at him in recognition. You are all brothers. Take out that recycled-materials notebook we all know you have with you and jot down observations that you will later make into a poem that will make chicks swoon.
    Go home and lay down on your makeshift bed, you know the bed that is really just a few blankets on the floor and a pillow. Stare at the books you have stacked in all your windowsills. Each one of them is scribbled in incessantly. You never know when you’ll need a good close reading on Franny and Zooey. If someone asks you to borrow one these books, tell them to get their own. You are secretly fearful that they will steal your genius.
    Make your own garden. When your mother stops by for a visit, hide the garden because she’ll probably know what it is that you’re growing.
    Hey man, once you do all that, you’re headed in the right direction. Trust me. I’ve been doing this for years. I just wish I would’ve had someone like me to get advice from, you know. Take care, man.

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