Sun, It Will Rise

Life is about to take a dramatic turn. It has already begun its transition and my progress in various areas may retreat or strengthen. 

We found out yesterday that one of my dad's best friends died of brain cancer two days ago. Dad has known him since before I was born and he had a reputation of being a really great person and aviator. The news came in the midst of my dad finishing up his big certifications to wrap up the training that has kept him away for the past month and a half. These certifications are for a job that my dad's friend helped him land. He was really torn up about it and for some reason that had a huge affect on me. I can typically deal with my own grief but when those I love are afflicted, I am an emotional wreck. Needless to say, it put me in a weird mood for the rest of the day, affecting my personality at work that night.

Despite apologizing and explaining for my out-of-character moodiness, certain people ignored me for the rest of the night. It was almost like they decided that it was unfair that I have feelings. It was unfair for me to have my own bad day. 

I understand that people in our lives come and go and that it's up to us to decide who is worth having around for the long run. I am able to make that distinction but that doesn't mean it's easy. The summer is for fun, carefree fancy but now that school's arrival is pending, I feel as if I've had my fun and I am ready to move on. I'm just not sure how to say that out loud; but it may be unnecessary at this point anyway, as I am sure toes have already been stepped upon.

To clear my head, I have been running every morning I come home from work. All I have to do is change my shoes. I started going out the day after I was finished with medication to treat my knee. I'd been so frustrated not being able to exercise. The indoors looked so inviting; it was warm and comfortable but I knew that if I didn't run that day I wasn't ever going to run.

It has been a pleasure to smell the dewy grass with left-over remnants of fertilizer; all scents of summer, all home to me. The fog has not lifted on the small pond I pass just yet. I feel connected to the Earth. I take in all the sights and say to myself, "This is Kentucky." I walk the first 3/4 mile out of my neighborhood, then turn around and run home. The first sight I pass is a black picket fence that looks like it belongs in the 19th century somewhere or as if it should be sheltering free-roaming horses. All I concentrate on is breathing, smiling and saying good morning to the neighbors, petting all the dogs on the way, and the endorphins rushing through my blood. Problems don't exist. People don't exist, if I don't want them to. It's just me and God. Me and nature. I am taken to a purer state.

And the sun, it will rise. 

One Love

Rush release to iTunes + country radio = already #1. Love you, Taylor. 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird

The locusts are in full swing. Their song is so calming and although summer's end is looming nearer, I am reminded that it is still here. The air is still, perhaps even muggy, and the smell of the air is unidentifiable by the English language. You just know it when it hits you. 

The locusts have me thinking about summer love; the "If you're a bird, I'm a bird" kind of love and whether it truly exists or if we are just placing it on an unattainable pedestal. 

Noah and Allie had it.

But as I have been told "Life is not a movie." I believe that we can find things in another person that we like enough to stick around but we know in our hearts we could never love them. Maybe that's what summer love is for; to distract ourselves from the loneliness until we're too busy to notice. 

Can you call it summer love if you see yourself there in the fall, winter, and spring? If you know in your heart that your feelings span past more than a few months? That this person is more than just a band-aid to cover up your past emotions? 

I've never known love like that.

Even if it's improbable and challenges me... I still think it's worth looking for.

A Room of One's Own

Virginia Woolf

Me trying my best to emulate Virginia Woolf

"A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction." -V. Woolf

Virginia Woolf gets me thinking about the impending fall semester and the seminar "Literature, Medicine, and Madness" that I will get to take, which includes Woolf's Mrs. Dalloway, if I am not mistaken. I have never heard a course listing that beckoned so forcefully! 

The above quote also gets me thinking about the creative writing course I will also be taking. I can't wait to start these intellectually stimulating classes but fear the endless reign of restlessness my body will endure. I will be back on a four-hour-a-night sleeping schedule and at times will be too tired to focus. 

I have a room of my own and long to write fiction. But I haven't a penny to spare! 

Where You Lead, I Will Follow

After having gone through my bursitis diagnosis and running on 4 hours of sleep, I was informed by my supervisor that I wouldn't be allowed to work unless I obtained a doctor's note stating that I was A-OK. This of course left me boggled, as most people request doctor's notes in times of legitimizing an ailment. Alas, he expected me to snap my fingers and produce this note. Needless to say, I felt as if my whole day had been ruined in chasing down a piece of paper that says "Lauren is healthy. Let her work, you tool." 


So, I self-medicated with mass quantities of food and Gilmore Girls. I picked and chose my favorite episodes from season 3 and watched the season 2 finale just to see Rory kiss Jess in the end. It was glorious! I watched the episode in which Jess is attacked by a swan; the 24-hour dance marathon episode; Lorelai's birthday with the massive pizza; and my favorite, Rory's high school graduation, to name a few!


Rory's valedictorian speech always makes me cry. After she walks across the stage to receive her diploma, Rory sticks her tongue out at Lorelai and I of course did this at my own high school graduation towards my mom in homage. When asked why I did so by congratulating parents of my fellow classmates, I answered, "It's a Gilmore Girls thing." The final scene of the episode leaves me teary, yet again, as it hits so close to home.


Lorelai drags Rory to the main staircase of Chilton, where she is oblivious to her surroundings and wanting to leave. 


Lorelai says, "Wait. Look around a second. You notice?"


"Notice what?" 


"It's not so scary anymore, is it?"


When I think about starting high school and how fearful I was; or every time I moved to a new place and had to meet new people; the day I went to register at college and walked in circles for hours looking for buildings lurking just behind me; the feeling of the first day of class; the moment I realized I knew my way around campus... all of these moments fill you with a trembling sense that the newness will never wear off and that you will be a novice forever. Then one day you stop to look around and realize it's over. And the feeling will start over again in a new location. 


I can't even imagine the feelings I'll be having when I graduate college. I will no longer have to work at overnight shipping hell to pay for tuition, I will hopefully be set up for graduate school and a teaching assistantship (God willing!), I will hopefully be prepared to go on a farewell to college life, welcome to the real world trip to Europe with my dad, and I will be amazed at how quickly four years flew by.


And it all won't be so scary anymore. 

Bursitis

Recently I have been experiencing pain in my right knee when I apply pressure to it. I discovered this tidy little fact while practicing yoga in kneeling positions... leading me to let out a mere shout-wince in response. Upon doctoral inspection I have discovered that I have... bursitis! Apparently bursitis is a medical anomaly common in senior citizens. Alas, in my ripe age of 20 I am afflicted.


So, I'm on pills for a couple of weeks to relieve my tendon of fluid and I must wear a knee brace to work in order to restrict excessive and repetitive bending motions.  


Yep, I'm rockin' a knee brace.

Live and Learn

I feel like this past month and a half has been a learning experience. For so long I was cruising through life on auto-pilot that it took me awhile to realize that God was laughing at me when I talked on and on about my "plans."


Here's what I continue to learn:


1. Family and friends are the most important things a girl can have: It's so easy to forget about those who care about you most when you're in a relationship. And once it's all over you come crawling back in hopes that they still love you. And the surprising thing is... they do! So, if family and friends have all this unconditional love for us, isn't it only fair that we return the favor? 


2. Boys will be boys... and sometimes they will be men: My last relationship was a completely monogamous one (surprise, I know) because I was so happy and um, because I believe in monogamy when it comes to relationships. I never even looked at another guy in that certain lustful manner or paid attention to those sneaky innuendos and sidelong glances. I have learned and continue to learn that I love that nervous feeling between two people that spark. 


3. I am happy to be liberal again: Although I believed myself to be under the influence of love, I was never ready to even fathom being married in my early 20's. I feel like there are certain groups of people out there that glorify marriage at a young age and will sometimes settle for people that they "can live with" instead of who they love. I also believe there are some early 20-somethings that are truly in love -- so more power to you. Personally, I am so relieved to experience life while I am young. There are so many places I want to travel while unattached and things I want to do before I settle down. I realize I have my whole life ahead of me to have a family if that is what I so decide to do. But for now, I am focused on earning a doctorate and taking my time with life.


4. I love yoga. 


The lyrics to a Cardigans' song "Live and Learn" inspired this post:


"Well you get what you give, and hell yes I lived..."