Monday, September 13, 2010

Loose Ends

Does anyone know about those guys that become obsessed with a new girl every two months? Alas, I have fallen victim to this malady. The whole situation reminds of the scene in Elizabethtown when Ellen breaks up with Drew in an emotionless drone: "It was real. And it was great. And it was really great." Except it really wasn't all that great. Or real, ha. 

I had my first summer fling, a rite of passage; and it was exactly as I expected it to be. I liked him just enough to understand that he had so many qualities I didn't like and couldn't ever put up with in a real relationship. So it was light, fun, and no one had to ever think too hard about anything or do any apologizing. Nothing was expected except for the fact that when school rolled around, it would be over. Once the end of August approached, I breathed a sigh of relief. I had felt bombarded. He called and texted me to the point where the mystery and thrill of it all was just gone. But I did like spending time with him, he made me smile, and there was chemistry between us. 

No official towels had been thrown in until the big fight. The fight that ended with me saying I hoped he died in a fiery car crash. I immediately regretted it afterwards because...who actually says something like that? But the damage was done. Me and my stupid mouth again. I had justifications thrown at me like, "He knows you're under a lot of stress yet he continually bothers you..." which made me feel better but at the same time I knew things would never be right until I apologized. 

Luckily, all loose ends are tied up now but things are officially over. I was initially bothered because I realized I went through this whole thing liking him moderately; there was no passion from me but I was certainly interested. I would call it 4 or 5 in terms of how I felt. From hearing what other people have said and by my own experience it seems like he went from a 10 to a 0. He was obsessed with his new attraction and would keep going with it until something happened to make him stop. Although I don't condone the actual words I used, I'm glad I spoke up. This is what I really wanted. I guess I just wanted it on my terms a little bit more. I don't want to be in a limbo with a person that I can barely find time to think about or that I make excuses about my plans so I don't have to hang out because I'm so burnt out. In the past I've always said I need to be on my own for awhile but I never believed it. I was constantly on the look-out and within a matter of weeks was right back in the game again. 

I don't know what it is about me. But I know for sure that I'd much rather have my freedom of speech and offend someone than blindly submit to someone who is only mediocre. That doesn't mean it doesn't bother me that he's already with another girl and calling her beautiful. In fact, it makes me feel degraded. I look at it from two viewpoints: I was either disposable and lied to or I was treated just like everyone else in a long list of others. No one wants either of those things. But when I think about some of my harsh viewpoints and attitude towards whatever it was that we had, I realize that we were both doing the same thing; waiting for something better to come along. So why worry?

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